Return-to-Office Policy Successfully Increases Time Employees Spend Away From Their Families 37% YoY
The Deliverable Corporate Affairs Desk
NEW YORK — Following the implementation of its new Return-to-Office policy, executives at Corporate America, a Fortune 500 company announced record improvements across several key performance indicators, including a 37% year-over-year increase in employee time spent away from friends, family, hobbies, and basic joy.
Leadership described the initiative as a major cultural success.
"Culture isn't built over Zoom," said one executive from his fourth meeting of the day, attended by twelve employees sitting silently in the same conference room on Microsoft Teams.
The company highlighted several early wins from the initiative, including:
📈 42% increase in commuting.
📈 68% increase in pretending to work until traffic dies down.
📈 91% increase in employees asking, "Who's actually here today?"
📉 70% decrease in being home when the dog needs to go out.
Executives also reported that employees are spending significantly less time with their spouses, children, aging parents, creative pursuits, exercise routines, and "other distractions that do not directly contribute to shareholder value."
At press time, leadership had announced a mandatory in-office town hall to celebrate the flexibility of the company's hybrid work model.