CEO ASSURES EMPLOYEES WILDFIRE SMOKE WILL NOT IMPACT RETURN-TO-OFFICE POLICY

The Deliverable Corporate Affairs Desk

NEW YORK, NY — Employees concerned about hazardous air quality were reassured Wednesday after Corporate America’s CEO confirmed that wildfire smoke drifting across the Northeast would not interfere with the company’s mandatory return-to-office policy.

“Nothing is more important than the health and safety of our people,” the CEO wrote in a companywide email sent from one of his private jets. “That is why we are closely monitoring conditions while remaining fully committed to five-day, in-person collaboration.”

The message encouraged employees to limit strenuous outdoor activity, keep windows closed and avoid unnecessary travel. It then reminded them that commuting to the office remains necessary.

According to leadership, the company’s HVAC system had been “recently evaluated,” although no one was able to confirm what that meant or whether it had occurred.

Employees experiencing headaches, shortness of breath or burning eyes were instructed to contact Human Resources, which would provide a link to the company’s employee assistance program and a PDF titled Resilience During Uncertain Times.

“We understand that some team members may feel uncomfortable,” said Chief People Officer of Corporate America. “However, discomfort is often where the most meaningful growth happens.”

Executives also emphasized that the office remained essential for spontaneous collaboration, culture-building and the kind of informal conversations that could not happen remotely.

At press time, most employees were sitting silently at their desks wearing masks and messaging one another on Slack.